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Spiritual Questionnaire

Dear Friends,
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

Newspaper Bible Torah Television Book of Mormon Divine Inspiration Dead Sea Scrolls My Mama Done Tol' Me Near Death Experience Near Life Experience National Public Radio Tabloid Burning Shrubbery
Other, please specify

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

Jehovah Jesus Krishna Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] Allah Satan Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please check all that apply:

Not eternal Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos Not omniscient Not omnipotent Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) Permits sex outside of marriage Prohibits sex outside of marriage Makes mistakes Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people Looks after life other than that on Earth When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched Requires burnt offerings Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

Indoctrinated by parents Needed a reason to live Indoctrinated by society Needed focus in whom to despise Imaginary friend grew up Hate to think for myself Wanted to meet girls/boys Fear of death Wanted to piss off parents Needed a day away from work Desperate need for certainty Like organ music Need to feel morally superior Thought Jerry Falwell was cool Shit was falling out of the sky My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Baal The Almighty Dollar Left Wing Liberalism The Radical Right Amon Ra Beelzebub Bill Gates Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur The Great Spirit The Great Pumpkin The Sun The Moon Cindy Crawford Elvis A burning shrub
Other, Please specify

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

Tarot I Ching Lottery Astrology Television Fortune cookies Ann Landers Psychic Friends Network Dianetics Palmistry Playboy and/or Playgirl Self-help books Sex, drugs, and rock & roll Biorhythms Alcohol Bill Clinton Tea Leaves EST Amway CompuServe Mantras Jimmy Swaggert Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) Human sacrifice Pyramids Wandering around a desert Insurance policies Burning shrubbery Barney T.B.P.D. Barney Fife None
Other, Please specify

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (pick one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

b. Miracles:

9. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheets if necessary):

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He whose heart is firm and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. -- Thomas Paine
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